Life of a Defence Spouse

Our family's journey in the Australian Defence Force has been both exciting and challenging. Like many young women, I met and married my soldier in my hometown of Townsville, and our first posting with a 6-month-old baby boy was to Seymour, Victoria. We were lucky that our posting was to Greytown (a non-corps posting), which basically meant a 7-4 work life.

With no family support, I took myself to the local Defence Community Centre for playgroup where I met other defence wives and enjoyed my social life. I worked casually at Puckapunyal in an AAFCANS bar, and my husband and I swapped our baby and car at 4:30pm before my work life started - we joked that for 2 years we passed in the hallway.

In 1992, our second son was born. He was born with Cranio Facial malformation and cleft palate. As he got older, he was diagnosed with global delay, moderate hearing loss, non-verbal communication and an intellectual disability. We were lucky enough that we had been posted back to Townsville, so we had family support.

It was a very challenging time - a baby who needed lots of medical intervention, a 3-year-old who just wanted to be a child and ‘peace time’ for Army with lots of extended training and exercises for what might happen. I was an older wife within my peer group of other military wives, who were all in their early 20’s. Our peer group was very supportive and even today (over 30 years later), I still have close friends from that time in our life.

At the time, Army was going through a period of transition from being a “boys domain” to a relatively family friendly defence environment. There were many who welcomed and supported the change, but there were many high-ranking members who begrudgingly accepted. We were very grateful for the support and fundraising from the wives club and our unit to help our family, but the work environment for Peter was very challenging and sometimes detrimental.

The Defence Special Needs Group was formed in the early 90’s and I was their first coordinator in Townsville. The organisation was a fabulous tool to navigate defence life and supporting a family member with special needs, but for me, I needed the friendship of ladies who accepted our son and our family for who we were, not just seeing the disability.

After the usual three year posting, our next posting location was Sydney. Waiting in our temporary accommodation with 2 young children while Peter worked, I met other defence partners who understood the challenges of being alone with children and no family support, so new friendships were formed.

While posted to Sydney, the Army went from peacetime to East Timor. While my husband was deployed to East Timor for five months, his unit was moving to Darwin and the Commanding Officer organised for a group of wives to travel to Darwin with him so that we could go back to Sydney with some firsthand information on life in Darwin. This was an enormous benefit to me, as I made the decision to relocate to Darwin without Peter so that the boys could start their school year. Peter would join us on his return from East Timor.

Once again, the friendships formed in Darwin have lasted many years. The need for asking and accepting help from a relatively new friend is a tool that many defence wives can lean into, and every defence friendship offers support and understanding of our unique situation – these special connections last for many postings. 

Over the next twelve years, two deployments, four posting cycles and a whole bunch of tears and loneliness, my friends who are still in my life all come from serving members. They might not have been in the same unit, or the same rank, but we all had something in common. Some of my friends I wouldn’t see for a couple of postings but then we would land in a location together and our friendship continues like it was yesterday.

This year marks 40 years that I have been a defence partner both regular and reserves. I still have friends from the beginning of my military life journey, and my closest friend has been in my life for over 20 years! She was a complete stranger within the defence community who needed help and I was able to help her, and in return it was a benefit to me.

The defence lifestyle has allowed our family to see more of Australia than most people. It has taught our eldest son to be strong, hardworking and accept challenges for what they are. Our son with a disability has seen some of the best medical specialists in Australia due to postings in major cities, and he has learned that even change means that you are safe and loved.

I treasure my friendships, and I am very thankful for the strength and resilience I have acquired over many years as a military partner. The tears and loneliness are washed away by a glass of wine with a friend or a kiss from my husband when he returns home safely to us. 

The Top Ender Tri-Services team would sincerely like to thank the Carthew family for 40 years of military service and navigating the challenges of the defence lifestyle, which is an incredible achievement and milestone - thank you for your service.  

Kym Carthew

Community Contributor