Supporting Our Defence Community Through Grief

Trigger Warning - This article discusses grief after death

When someone dies suddenly, the shock can ripple through units, workplaces, families,

and friendship circles, particularly when many of us are far from extended family

supports, especially in the NT. As we sit with grief, the conversations we have with

ourselves and with others is important.

There is no “normal” way to grieve except the way each of us does it. Grief is universal,

yet completely personal. You can lose the same person as someone else and

experience an entirely different grief. Each relationship is unique; therefore, each grief is

unique. It’s important to remember that grief is the last act of love we have to give those 

we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described denial, anger, bargaining, depression, 

and acceptance as part of a framework for understanding grief, but these are not steps 

on a neat, linear path. They are experiences we may move in and out of, sometimes

daily. Anger, for example, can be a necessary and healthy part of healing. Denial can be

protective, like nature’s way of letting in only as much pain as we can manage at one

time.

It’s important to note that grief does not end, it changes. It becomes woven into our lives

rather than something we “get over.” The hardest part of healing after losing someone

you love is to recover “the you” that went away with them. Remember, time does not

simply make grief better or worse, it feels better and worse as time goes by. The only

truth is that however you feel right now, you will not always feel this way.

If you are grieving:

• Cry when you need to

• Move your body - walk, run, sit in stillness

• Create, write, pray, reflect

• Talk about your person. Say their name

• Allow anger, numbness, sadness, even moments of relief

• Seek connection - grief grows heavier in isolation

• Avoid judging your timeline. There isn’t one

Ignoring pain does not heal it. Every loss deserves space and grace.

If you are supporting someone who is grieving:

• Be present more than you try to fix

• Listen without rushing them toward “acceptance”

• Use simple words: “I’m here.” “I don’t have the right words, but I care.”

• Continue checking in weeks and months later - support often fades while grief

does not.

• Offer practical help like meals, childcare, lifts and company

For those serving far from family networks, community becomes vital. Lean into each 

other. Share stories. Attend memorials. Sit in silence together. Grief shared is not grief 

removed but it is grief supported.

There will come a day when tears of raw sorrow soften into tears of remembrance. A

memory may still knock the wind out of you, but it will also carry warmth. Healing is not 

forgetting; it is learning to carry love and loss together. Grief is also not a weakness, it is 

the price of love, and within our defence community, love, loyalty, and connection run 

deep.

Please reach out to mates, to family, and to support services.

No one needs to walk this alone.

Written by Belinda A’Bell Flourishing Bloom Psychology